As if raising another human being into a fine upstanding citizen isn’t enough work, sometimes other mothers can be our own worst enemy. No matter how good of a mom you feel you are, when you talk to certain mommies, they rip the happiness rug right out from under you. They probably don’t even know they are doing it. How? Like this…

You are so pumped because your newborn just started sitting up. Then you go on a walk in the park and have a little chat with another nice looking lady with a stroller. She tells you that her little one, who is a month younger than yours, is not only sitting up but also playing racket ball (okay that part isn’t really true but you get my point.) Just when you thought you were getting the hang of things, you start to feel like maybe you are the worst mother ever. I mean, whose 8 month old can’t sit up???????? Panic, fear, stress. Your kid will probably get held back in school because you are ruining his normal development!

You are very excited because Juanita has started to show interest in potty training. Finally! She is only two, but you have heard that some kids are potty trained at 18 months. While at Target getting her some pull-ups and rubber panties you overhear another mom talking to her friend. She is bragging about how her daughter is 16 months and fully potty trained. She actually says “I mean, how hard is it to get a kid potty trained? I would be so embarrassed if she made it to two and was still in diapers.” Should you tackle her in the middle of the aisle? Should you run to the book section and buy yourself a copy of How Not to Be a Sucky Mom? Panic, fear stress.

Your son can read really well, at least in your opinion anyway. John loves to go to the library and get mountains of books. While you are helping him make his selections, the mom one letter over is also helping her son. Only she makes him leave the kids section because her son, who looks to be the same age as yours, needs “more challenging stories.” These are for “little kids who don’t really know how to read.” Great– is this kid some super nerd or is my kid not as advanced as I thought? Have I been wearing my mommy goggles or is this lady just a nut job? Panic, fear, stress.

In fairness, we have all probably done this very thing to some other mom, but we would never do it on purpose. Yes, we get a secret joy when we hear that our kid did something before the milestone date, but not because we are pretentious. Really it’s because we feel like we are warping this little person so badly that if they can tie their shoes before they get married we’ll be proud.

So if I call and ask you when Junior first did this or that, tell me a bold faced lie. If you are talking about it in any public venue, make Pinocchio look like an honest gentleman. Tack on a month or even a year. Make me feel good about myself (I NEED it). I promise to return the favor.