More things you may think you’d NEVER do to or with your kid but are admittedly grateful that they exist…

4. Maternal Spit: Grandmas can be bad about this, too. You have seen it done. Child’s face has already been wiped with either a wet nap, baby wipe or napkin. But as he rushes off to play you notice that there is a stubborn spot of mustard in the corner of his mouth. The aforementioned cleaning material is either fully saturated or already in the trash, so you resort to the only option you have left at your disposal– your very own saliva. Using your spit to clean your child’s face is something we do, but we hate ourselves for it at the same time. Poor kid. When some mean bully spits in your face it is hateful, but if Mommy wipes it all over your lips and cheeks it is loving. Ah, the ironies of parenthood.

5. Leaving your kids in the car…alone: You have to be careful with this one, but I know we all do it in some form or fashion. I read a quote somewhere that makes me laugh. It says “Sometimes chewing through the restraints just isn’t worth it.” That’s how I feel sometimes about getting my kids in and out of the car. When all I need to do is run into CVS for candy, I contemplate leaving them in the car. Or when I am running to the library and I just need to return my books and pay my late fine, I think about it. Having had to use a coat hanger to open some lady’s minivan window because she left the car running with kids inside, I have never fully acted on this idea. But when I get home from the grocery store and I have 70 million bags to carry upstairs and unload, yeah I leave the little sweethearts in their car seats. I put on a quick DVD and work as fast as an Oompa Loompa. The ignition is not on and they are strapped in. There is probably a reader calling DFCS on me right now, but sometimes a mother’s gotta do what a mother’s gotta do.

6. Television: I have a Master’s Degree in English. That means that after I suffered through 13 years of public school literature (no, I was not held back…I am counting kindergarten), I tacked on another 4 for undergrad and then another year for a super condensed post-graduate degree. I love books. I love writing. Heck, I even like writing term papers and diagramming sentences. Maybe this is just a Word Nerd thing, but I swore that MY kids were going to read and play more than they ever watched T.V. I probably took it so far as to say something like my kid won’t even watch t.v. until she is two. Now, children do not need to be sitting in front of the boob tube for hours on end, but don’t think we all haven’t used the telly as a means to say, take a shower. Talk on the phone. Send an email. Write a blog post. Or maybe just use the ladies room. Barney and I use to have issues. I love you, you love me, LIKE h-e-double-hockey-sticks do I love you! Now, however, we are BFF. I send Barney a Christmas card every December, or at the very least a thank you note every time I urinate. Just sayin… So do not feel bad about wielding the power of the small screen. You can take your kids to the library later if it makes you feel guilty. Just don’t leave them in the car.