“A man is like a hallway with many rooms. When an experience in life is over, he can close the door to it, never look back, and continue walking. However, a woman is like a river. Her experiences continue to flow until eventually they are filtered out,” the pre-marriage counselor said months before our wedding. When he gave that eloquent but simple analogy, it opened my eyes to a world of clarity. I finally understood why it was so frustratingly hard for me to “get over” situations. I can spend months obsessing over a bad situation, which can result in a calloused heart and what seems at the time untreatable bitterness. My husband, on the other hand, can “get over” it, never look back, and see no reason to discuss the issue again.

Knowing this analogy helps me understand better why guys’ and girls’ perception of sex is so different. Casual sex? How could anyone refer to sex between a man and a woman like they are referring to a football game? Maybe I should get on the bandwagon and realize that this is how our culture is now. A friend of mine used to say referring to guys, “Don’t buy a car until you test drive it.” I think not! No matter how many people will claim that casual sex is empowering, I’m not buying it!

Studies show that girls who participate in casual, no strings attached sex show signs of low-self esteem and depression. Also important skills are not developed such as trust and communication. That’s not a shocker. And not to mention feelings of worthlessness and confusion as to why the guy won’t commit!

Read the above quote again: When an experience in life is over, he can close the door to it, never look back, and continue walking. See, he can have sex and not think about it again if he chooses. If a guy is not looking for commitment, then he is not looking for an emotional investment. Because he compartmentalizes situations in life, he can shut the door and not be effected by it. On the other hand, studies show that the main reason girls participate in non-committal sex is to increase intimacy in a potential relationship.

Read the quote referring to the girl: However, a woman is like a river. Her experiences continue to flow until eventually they are filtered out. Girls can’t just drop a situation instantaneously until they have processed it in their mind and have come to some sort of conclusion. Experiences sometimes greatly impact us and will flow in and out of our lives until we can finally let it go.

So why do girls give in when perhaps they know there will be no commitment? It’s the hope that there will be! However, by having sex before commitment (and I hope you’ll wait for marriage), you are sending a message to a guy that lets them know that you do not value yourself. You are also potentially putting yourself through much heartache. Don’t you want a guy that says you are worth it? You don’t have to give that part of yourself in order to attain commitment. Sex should come after. But why would any guy commit when they can have their cake and eat it, too?

If you don’t place value on yourself, then neither will anyone else. Why give yourself away to someone before you even know their full name? So I ask you what truly are the benefits of casual sex?

-Brittany Trotman

References: Grello M et al, “ No strings attached: the nature of casual sex in college students.” August 2006, Ramirez M. “ Consequences of casual sex.” The Seattle Times, 11 December 2005