Ok, guys, you win. I have heard the moans and frustrations of my male friends and have deemed it necessary to explain how and why men don’t understand women. They don’t understand. At all.

And why not? Do our brains work differently? Do we speak different languages? Yes and yes. But I’m convinced that the main communication problem between men and women is that women fully expect men to be capable of reading between the lines and men are completely incapable of doing that. We all know it’s true. As women, we think that we’re being perfectly clear. As men, you are completely confused. Lately I’ve been making an effort to be more direct, but many women still play the same old game and expect different results.

Hopefully by the time this story is finished, we women will see how unclear and confusing we can be and the men will see that it would probably just be easier to learn the language. Let me help you out. Here’s a list of a few things that women say, and the translation into what they REALLY mean.

1. “Don’t make a big deal about my birthday. It’s just another day.”

Translation: I shouldn’t have to tell you how really big my birthday is. It’s huge!!! If you know what’s good for you, you’ve already planned a surprise party or a weekend getaway. Or a parade.

2. “OK.”

Translation: Smart women pick their battles. This one isn’t worth fighting over. You get your way. This time. Enjoy it while you can.

3. “Fine.” Completely different from “OK.” Things are not “fine.” Things are far from “fine.” Things are never “fine.”

Translation: Things are about to blow up in your face. Tread carefully.

4. Via text message: “I’ve been working sooooo hard today. I’m just now getting to take lunch.”

Translation: Stop whatever you’re doing and call me. Now. Right now. I need to vent. People at my job are crazy and I need somebody sane to talk to. I choose you. Because if you don’t, and I have to deal with these insane people on my own, things will not be pretty later. And please don’t ask me why I didn’t just TELL you to call me.”

5. “Go ahead.” This is not permission. This is a dare.

Translation: Don’t be stupid.

6. “You choose where we eat. I really don’t care.”

Translation: Your job is to give me some suggestions and I’ll either agree or veto. I do care, but I don’t want to choose because I don’t want to suggest something you don’t like. Be prepared for me to shoot down at least three of your suggestions.

7. “Does something smell funny to you?”

Translation: I ask you to do two things around here: mow the grass and take out the garbage. Two things. That’s all. Guess which one smells. If you don’t take the garbage out right now, you may find it sitting on the seat of your truck tomorrow morning. Then you’ll smell it for sure.

8. “We need to talk.”

Translation: I need to complain. You need to listen.

9. “What do you want to do tonight?”

Translation: I need to feel special. There are two correct answers to this question. A.) “I’d love to just sit here and look at you, smell your skin, touch your hair, and make out like we’re in high school again.” Even if that doesn’t happen, the thought is really nice. Or B.) “I thought I’d cook dinner and take the kids to a movie while you relax for a change.” It all depends on what kind of day I’ve had. But don’t expect me to give you a hint. You have to figure this one out on your own.

10. “She is soooooo pretty! Don’t you think so?”

Translation: Ha! Hahahahaha! Gotcha! If you’re smart, you won’t say a word. There’s no correct answer to this question. Change the subject or divert me into the nearest jewelry store. Sparkly things can be distracting.

Ahhhhhh, you gotta love us. We mean well, I promise. Women are so misunderstood, so complex, and so darn confusing. Hang in there….we’re worth it.