THE DR. PHILBILLY SHOW – The Kung-Fu Armadillo
Ok…one night I heard the dogs going nuts in the front yard about 2am. I get up, stagger half asleep to the kitchen and grab my weapon of choice, a broom. As I go investigate I peek a look out the window and don‘t see a thing, so I creep open the door and poke out my head for a peek… nothing. As I slowly survey the perimeter of my yard there it is, something moves in the bushes. I poke it with my weapon and the bush moves violently.
Dannnng! What the heck?
All of a sudden the biggest armadillo I have ever seen charges me. This dang thing must have weighed 35 lbs and had bionic armor. I freak out and start running around in my front yard with nothing on but my Tweety Bird boxer briefs and swinging the broom behind me. I’m screaming like a 12 year old little girl. It finally chases me up to my front porch banister and I’m perched there like a rooster with my broom ready for hand to hand combat. I swing at my enemy and it jumps straight up about eye level with me doing the coolest 360 degree karate kick I‘ve ever seen. This is a Kung-Fu armadillo!
Ok then, let’s get it on Mr. Armadillo. I twirl my broom like a half naked redneck ninja and somehow manage to wack myself in the face. Craaaaap! I fall off the banister and land square on my back, the armadillo lands right beside me. We must have scared each other half to death cause he went one way and I went the other. Melissa shows up at the door in a panic wanting to know what’s going on. Of course I say it was nothing and we go back to bed. The next day we walk out of the house and it looked like I had planted a hay field in the yard. Broom straw was everywhere.
Until we meet again armadillo, until we meet again…
Wayne, this is my favorite one so far… if only we had been able to capture this on video!
I bet Chuck Norris never wore tweety boxers…lol
CHUCK NORRIS COULD WEAR TWITTY BIRD BOXERS. HE JUST KEEPS HIS PANTS ON WHEN HE GOES OUTSIDE…..THATS FUNNY!!! REALLY, I WOULD PUT MONEYON IT CHUCK WEARS WHITEY TIGHTYS…
Steapnie, thats my favorite drawers, lol. But I don’t think Chuck could have handled this monster. He was bad to the bone.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Thanks Shannon…I would have made a fortune if a video exsisted, lol. Would have been good proof of the biggest armadillo in the world, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
do your neighbors call the cops alot? just saying–if i heard that–i wouldn’t go outside until cops got there.lol
Neighbors? What are neighbors? There is no such a thing where he lives! Besides, If the cops were ever called they would never find his house!
I have neighbors…melissa may be kin to all of them but they are still neighbors. Besides, they are the inspiration for alot of stories, lol. Gotta love the Lee’s, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
No Angie, cops don’t come around here to much and the neighbors just sit on their porches drink coffee and laugh.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
LOL I cant wait till Dr PhilBilly makes it on tv.
Thanks Big Irv…If i ever do make it to T.V. will u be my side kick? Cause u would sell alot of tickets, lol. U a trip!
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Fantastic! Love your stories.
Thanks Patsy….i’m sure u have witnessed alot my craziness back in the day, lol…Congrats on getting married!!!!!!
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
OMG! This is great! You should have told Melissa that you were fighting off robbers or something. You could have been a Hero and maybe you could have been “REWARDED”! Just saying……
LOL….Rewarded? I’m not familiar with the term. Hmmmm!
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Did you buy Melissa a new broom yet????
OH YES HE FORGOT TO MENTION THAT HE HAD ON RUBBER HUNTING BOOTS LOL
DO YOU THINK WHEN I GOT TO THE DOOR I BELIEVED IT WAS NOTHING..
HE WAS SHAKING, WITH HALF MY BROOM IN HIS HAND..COME ON
FOR REAL A 35LB ARMADILLO??? HE SWEARS BY IT …
COMMENT BY ME (MELISSA) NOT WAYNE ..HIS NAME IN MY COMMENT BOX SORRY..FORGOT TO CHANGE OVER…
Tracy, she keeps a spare parked in the garage, lol….I’m just sayin! Just kidding….I bought 3 more the next day for emergencies. There might be a whole family of those things waiting for me.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
lol..Shug,you are so funny..I love ya!
Thanks Tina…u got ur share of stories to tell, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Wayne this is too funny! Love the stories and can’t wait for the next one.
Thanks Angela….wait till u read tomorrow’s story, lol. U will probably just shake ur head, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
I would like to have been your neighbor watching this go on! Keep them coming… Your hilarious..
Amy, u would have to have a DNA test before u be my neighbor. They are all related, lol…i got a pass cause i married into this buch.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Since I am a martial artist, I found this very amusing!! What next???
Eva, I sure could have used some of ur skills. I just did what i’ve picked up off T.V. and almost put my own eye out, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Very Funny! Only in Pearl River County.
Thanks Jennifer….we do kinda do things a little different down here huh? But they get done!!! lol
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
WOW!! Only in the South… Wayne we love your stories Keep them coming…
Thanks Stacy…yea ur right…i would have prob gotten locked up for that i New York, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Wayne,
I am so glad to see your great writings on this site. I really enjoy reading what your life experiences have brought to you and us! Keep up the good work and I look forward to the next article.
Thank you Tony…Hey, how about another motorcycle trip to Panama so I can get some new material, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Wayne, that’s a mental picture I didn’t need lol. & I moved to Pearl River County voluntarily & have stayed!
Kay…what you talkin bout Willis? Those are some top notch boxers. At least they were clean. I turned them inside out myself, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
OH, dear Wayne!!! A 35 lb armadillo. I don’t think so. My favorite story is still the YAHOO!!! story.
Ramona ,
He has a way of making this story really large .. he left out the part he told me the next day that it was 35 lbs and 2 FEET TALL lol
melissa
Ramona…it was every bit of 35 pounds. It looked like a dog wearing a shell, lol. I even think it barked at me.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Wayne that is just too funny! I can’t wait to read the next one. You are a mess!! lol
Thanks Patti…and ur in luck, another one is coming out tomorrow. Not real sure i should have used it tho. U make never look at me the same again, lol. As if u look at me normal now right?
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Wayne I love to read about your adventures. Keep them coming!! Everyone needs a good laugh everyday. Thank you
Thank you Alicia…and u are so welcome…it is my pleasure to do stupid stuff today so that u can laugh tomorrow.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
How hilarious! And yes, only in the South.
Rhoda, I live about as far south as i can get. Lucky me huh? I feel right at home, lol. The good thing about living in the south is that i am surounded by friends and family that make my stories work, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
This was even funnier than the first time I heard it. Everybody at work was wondering why I was laughing so hard… I think you made a few new fans today
Thank you Paula…my stories tend to evolve every time i tell them. But no kidding. U could have saddled and rode this thing. Wait, u would have to saddle an armadillo would you? Hmmm! New fans…yea! Tell them to tune in tomorrow and give me a shout.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
I need you here in malaysia the rats are as big as armadillas help doc
Ur on ur own Aunt Pauline! Don’t do rats…or snakes…or apparantly armadillos, lol. Unc can handle that one…He can train them to retrieve his golf balls, lol…oh snap! I just gave him a bad idea huh? Sorry…love ya!
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
I liked the story. I can just see you doing all that. lol
Cindy, u have probably seen me do things just as dumb i’m sure, lol….remember when i came flying out of joey’s tanning bed in my drawers when yall yelled fire…that was so not cool, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
This story ranks Wayne, but my favorite is still the “Yahoo” story. Keep them coming friend, I am guaranteed at least one great laugh a day!!!
Thank u Renae…I’m just here to help!!! My specialty as a Dr. is to get rid of frownidis, lol. Keep on smiling friend!
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Wayne, it is so good and relieving to have something published to make us laugh. There is way too much out there published to bring us down and you are truly a bright light in a dark world! BTW it’s a good thing armadillos are blind or you would have really been in trouble!!!
Tonya….Blind? Are u serious? Craaaaap! Well now i feel just pain stupid, lol…Thanks for the kind words.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Love it! I can see you out in the yard now! hee hee!
Well Brenda…words just really can’t explain it quit good enough, lol. Good to hear from you…keep commenting. Cant wait to see what u think about tomorrows story, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
It would be hilarious to live next to you guys. Can ya’ll imagine going to work the next day? Oh the stories you could tell! The only problem is….no one would believe you. Hehe!
Laney…u know they are true. I just dont have that good enough imagination, lol. Bur living next door to you and Troy would be a kick. Just don’t bring cookie the pig ok, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Wayne,
I know this is so true.
When you make it to T.V, I want to be your bouncer. Just like Jerry Springer.
LOL….you got it Jerry. I might need some good muscle, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Wayne,
I hope you don’t ever find your brain, You couldn’t write these great stories
LaRue, I been looking for it for years but its no where in sight. Its probably with all my lost socks, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Wayne,
I’m not sure what is funniest, the actual story or everything that comes after…it is all very good!!
Alysia
Thanks Alysia… I try, well actually i don’t try, stuff just seems to kinda happen, lol.
Wayne Carlan
aka
Dr. Philbilly
Dr,
Great story I can already see the movie. Jeff Foxworthy would play you and Rodney Carrington could be the armadillo. Keepem coming.
LOL…The Adventure of Dr. Philbilly and the Killer Armadillo!!!
Thats great Darren, lol.
LOL!! I laughed and laughed at the Redneck Ninja part… and the Tweety Bird Boxers… It put a real visual there.. LOL!! That is a FUNNY story! Keep them coming! I enjoy my morning laugh!
Love it!
Tina
Tina…I wish someone would have filmed it. No one really believe’s how big that armadillo was…you know it had to be big for me to break out my ninja moves, lol.
sorry about that Wayne, I was the one that dropped that Armidillo off at your house from my yard. Ha Ha. Keep em coming!!!!!!
Larry…He must have followed you here cause I just can’t see you catching that daaaaang thang! lol
[...] Southern Nature recently read the new Dr. Philbilly post in the Southern Beauty emagazine. If you’ve ever heard a sound like a couple of elephants line dancing in your yard at night, only to discover an armadillo when you went to check on the situation, you’ll appreciate this one! Southern Nature did. Check out “The Kung-Foo Armadillo!” [...]