Dear G.A.B., 

I confess I joined Facebook solely to keep tabs on my teenage son. Though I feel bad about that, I feel worse about the fact that he just defriended me after I posted a message  on his “wall” congratulating him for getting an “A” on his Chem test. Apparently “Dude that was so dope!” is not acceptable language coming from a parent. But now I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts?

                                                              Signed,

                                                              Friendless

Dear Friendless,

I too joined Facebook for the sole purpose of spying on my teenager. Any reader who is horrified by this either (a) does not now have, and has never had, a teenaged child or (b) thinks he is the possessor of that rare breed – a virtual oxymoron – the “trustworthy teen”. Parents who believe they have these are either (a) engaged in wishful thinking or (b) simply deluded. After all, teenagers aren’t golden retreivers – they don’t look up at you with guilt in their eyes and their tails between their legs so you know to look for a deposit on the living room carpet. It’s their job to hide their mischief. They are frighteningly good at their jobs. Password protected social networking sites like Facebook create ingenious opportunities for kids to conspire outside of parental jurisdiction. (It makes one nostalgic for simpler times when you could just pick up the phone extension and listen.)

Now if you’re like me, this has nothing to do with morbid curiosity. I don’t really want to know this information; in fact I fear this information. But I think I need to know. My daughter is terrific – she’s “all in all” to me and I adore her, but I don’t necessarily trust her. Though she’s no worse than most, sometimes she’s trustworthy and sometimes she’s not. My problem is knowing which is which. As one of the hundreds of FB friends, parents can follow what’s going on without reading confidential emails or text messages. But having your parents friend you on FB is as appealing to a teenager as an offer to double date. In fact there’s a whole website, called “Oh Crap. My Parents Joined Facebook”, devoted to displaying cringeworthy posts parents put on their kids FB walls. (You might want to check to see if your message is posted there.) If it makes you feel better, here’s a recent post by one mother: “Hello everyone, I’m on Facebook at long last. Looking forward to hooking up with you all!” (The website’s comment: “Care to rephrase that, mom?”)

But I think these parents have it all wrong. Instead of calling attention to themselves, they should be silently blending in so their kids forget they’re there. That’s the lesson I learned too late. When my daughter defriended me (following my comments about some inappropriate messages on her page), I deployed the usual arsenal of trustworthy parenting tools (black mail and extortion) until she was coerced into refriending me. But after I was returned to friendly status I noticed the tone of her FB wall had become distinctly homogenized. I had unwittingly sent her underground.  I’m not sure where she went. I realize now that I should have just stayed defriended – let her think she wasn’t observed so I could view her in her natural habitat, so to speak. I won the battle but lost the war. Not only am I seeing an edited page, every time I latch on to a tantalizing snippet of information, e.g., a cryptic message from one of her guy friends (each and all potential corrupters of my daughter’s innocence), I’m thwarted by this message when I track the rascal to his own page:  “[Potential Corrupter of Young Girls’ Innocence] only shares information with his friends.”

But now that your son thinks you’re off the site he’ll be footloose and fancy free.  In other words, he will not censor his FB page for parental viewing which allows you to execute a truly effective espionage strategy. The next step is to outsource the job to the experts. And who are the experts? Other kids, of course. They know how to penetrate those inscrutable layers upon layers of secret passageways to get to the inner sanctum where other teenagers converse freely and share their most disgusting secrets.  Your adolescent agent could befriend friends of his friends and follow the clues to their ultimate source. Any one of his hundreds of FB friends will do, so long as he or she is willing to report back what’s really going on. I have even come up with a snappy name for these double agent kids: PEErs  (Parental Eyes ’n Ears).

It occurs to me there’s a lucrative summer job here for some enterprising highschooler. I, for one, would pay a decent amount for reliable information, at least as much as I used to pay babysitters.  And the job is “scalable” -  A really smart kid could “represent” maybe a dozen or more concerned parents at a time. It could amount to quite a respectable wage. You might consider advertising for qualified applicants: “Work from home. Good pay. Make your own hours. Only requirement: must be one of my son’s Facebook friends and be of unsound character.  References required.”

Of course, if your son finds out he will retaliate boldly – e.g., plant misinformation, spy on the spy (reporting back to his or her parents).  Before you know it you could have a virtual network of double and triple agents worthy of Robert Ludlum. But then there’s this more likely outcome – the following message posted one day on your FB page:  “I’m on to you – cut it out.” And that would be that. Still, worth a try.

Signed,

G.A.B.

“Alisa Singer’s humorous essays have appeared in a variety of print and online newspapers and magazines across the country and in Canada. She is the author of various gift books designed to entertain and amuse baby boomers. You can learn more about her work and purchase her books by visiting her website: www.AlisaSinger.com or contacting her at ASingerAuthor@gmail.com.”